Advice for Lovers

Also:

• Avice on sex

In general

• When you say, "I love you," mean it
• Believe in love at first sight.
• Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
• Spend some time alone
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. You can have one night stands, or marry a wierdo.
• You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
• It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

...to young men

• For every beautiful woman, no matter how attractive she is, there is a man who is tired of putting up with her shit.
• Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not, because actually, she is.
• Shut up. Just look at her and smile. Rub her feet.
• To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Stockings have to be hung up somewhere... don't bitch untill you've built her a cabinet for them.
• Never, ever have sex with a female who is dumb but pretty. If you even accidentally get her pregnant, you might have perpetuated her genes on to the next generation. Much worse than spreading any STD you might get. Look around for the intellegent ones. The sex is better anyway.
• Romance turns sex into art.
• Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
• Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
• If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
• Avoid making irrevocable decisions while hungry.
• The wife lasts as long as the marriage. The ex-wife lasts forever!
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. (actually the opposite is true, but this is funny)
• Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
• Don't let other men get away with cheating, hurting, using or abusing. It is YOUR responsibility. And taking that stand will put you in a group where there are women who haven't been damaged.
• A "real man" 1) knows who he is; 2) knows what he wants; 3) engages with his partner; 4) and is consistent on these points.
• Before getting married:
  • Do a credit check and look for a police record. Have her checked for STD's. Talk to her ex-husband, girl friends, and parents... sorry, but just do it.
  • Have at least one really big fight to make sure she is capable of forgiving.
  • Ask yourself which is more important to YOU: Who she fucks or who's house she cleans? see http://tuxedo.org/~esr/writings/promiscuity.html
  • Make sure she's good in bed. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  • Meet her family (kids, pet, friends, boss, etc...); you aren't just marrying her. Keep in mind, she will be her mother in a few more years.
  • Talk about kids. Make sure she has a mother, sister, etc.. to turn to for help after the birth.
  • Marry a woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
  • Figure out a good and equal division of labor. Don't infringe on her responsibilities.
  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. You need to make it a change for the better.
  • "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
  • "I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!"

...to young women

• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. If you complain about it enough, he will start using the sink.
• Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. Ask him to help you brush it.
• Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Men don't talk. Especially not to women.
• Come to a man with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends and puppies are for.
• Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. The genie does not like to go back in the bottle without granting a wish.
• Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.... unless you are really good at faking it. In any case, casually trashing a guy in public by saying that you fake it with him suspends all rules in the "gallentry" column.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Ogleing is genetic and necessary to the survival of the species. See: http://tuxedo.org/~esr/writings/promiscuity.html
• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
• Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
• ...it's not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
• Mrs. du Toit (.com) says

  Men create and defend societies. Women civilize them. Men have been holding up their end of the bargain. We women have dropped the ball entirely. We can, must, and will do better.

• Before getting married:
  • Do a credit check and look for a police record. Have him checked for STD's. Talk to his boss, ex-wife, mom and dad... sorry, but just do it.
  • Have at least one really big fight to make sure doesn't do anything un-forgivable.
  • If you don't have sex, at least make damn sure of what he expects. Yes, no matter what he says, it IS that important.
  • Meet his family. Especially his mother. See how he treats her. See how his dad treats her. He learned how to treat you from how his dad treated his mom. Marry the guy whos mom is happy.
  • Talk about kids. Take him to meet some. Watch him.
  • Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
  • Figure out a good and equal division of labor. Don't complain about how he does his part, just pick something he likes you to do well and don't do it well. Wait for him to ask, THEN...
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  • Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  • There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

• Shut down lines for guys trying to pick you up:
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

• Smart man + smart woman = brief romance
• Smart man + dumb woman = wild affair
• Dumb man + smart woman = happy marriage
• Dumb man + dumb woman = big happy family

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Quotes

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.  ~ Pearl S. Buck

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~ Sam Keen