It looks good, I agree that long letters tend not to get read.

I would suggest perhaps even shorter and a little more forceful:
--------
Enclosed please find Microsoft Office and a copy of the invoice under
which it was sold.

On behalf of Pastor Pxxx Mxxx and at the insistance of Microsoft,
I am returning Microsoft Office Upgrade and expect a full refund
of $700.  If you have any questions regarding my eligibility to return
this software please contact Microsoft at xxxxxxxxx.

Please make the check payable to [church] and send it to Pastor
Pxxx Mxxx at [church address].

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
----
And send the entire thing as a signature only, certified mailing with
insurance for the cost of the product.

Usually people like getting packages, this one will be hard for him to
ignore.  You may consider sending it from your home address rather than
the church's if you think he may not sign for it if he suspects what it
actually is.

But I bet the last thing on his mind is receiving the actual software
back.  And if he keeps it (and has signed for it) then he implicitly
agrees to your letter, a fact which may prove useful in court if it gets
that far.

You might also want to give him a carrot.  Tell him you understand it is
customary to charge a 5% or 10% restocking fee for unopened software
(also realizing that his entire profit may have been the software)  He
may pay the 90% refund, and at that point you've really gotten as much
as you can from someone like this, and much more than by any other method.

Of course, he's going to turn right around and sell it to some other
poor sap, but you aren't going to put him out of business, so is it more
important to recover the money, or to prove a point which you can't prove?

But the key point is that there is only one outcome that is acceptable,
and you are following it.  Threats are often meaningless to many people
who deal in shady business - they make empty threats all the time and
assume most threats are empty.  Don't give him any room to make excuses
or put anything off.  Also be prepared to send a follow up letter a week
or two later with a clear explanation of the exact steps you will take
should the check not arrive by a set date.

-Adam

Russell McMahon wrote:

>It' been suggested offlist that
>
>
>
>>... It is very bad here
>>
>>
>(not NZ or US)
>
>
>>to either give legal advice or threaten. ...
>>
>>
>
>
>
>
>>I tend to write letters like this for my own reference then strip
>>out everything that is not directly related to the problem at hand.
>>Most of these guys don't want to see logic. He represents Microsoft
>>by selling Microsoft products their policy is take it back!!
>>
>>
>
>
>His new version follows.
>Thoughts ?
>
>D--- W---
>S____ T___
>
>Dear D___
>
>I was disappointed that you refused to discuss the matter
>in our recent telephone call.
>
>I am a member of the church leadership and have been explicitly
>authorised by Mr Pxxx Mxxx, and the Pastor on behalf of the church*,
>to deal with S___ T___ in this matter.  I can arrange for Mr Mxxx
>to contact you and confirm this arrangement.
>
>We (I) are returning the unopened software for a full refund.
>I have spoken to Microsoft who confirm this right of return
>and our right to a refund .
>
>I expect a confirmation of this refund within . . .
>
>
>Russell McMahon
>
>xxx Church
>
>*** Church number to contact pastor if required is xxx.
>Genuineness of this number can be confirmed under xxx at Telecom white pages
>site at
>http://www.whitepages.co.nz/quick/search?lkey=auckland&page=search&listing_type=ALL&ind=1&key=baptist+&loc=ALL
>
>--
>http://www.piclist.com hint: PICList Posts must start with ONE topic:
>[PIC]:,[SX]:,[AVR]: ->uP ONLY! [EE]:,[OT]: ->Other [BUY]:,[AD]: ->Ads
>
>
>
>
>

--
http://www.piclist.com hint: The list server can filter out subtopics
(like ads or off topics) for you. See http://www.piclist.com/#topics