I hope by the time this letter is read by those intended, I would have left
CBE long ago and ready to begin life anew. I have been rotting from the day
I enter this company and continue rotting till the very last day. I hope the
fears, the mental obstacles and the failures never followed me to my new
job. I may not have a new job, perhaps, I resign for the sake of stopping
further rotting and get a grip on myself. Why not? A menial and labourful
job is much more meaningful.

I saw K, started to draw a new PCB for a new Immobilizer. And I am
sad. Why? Why can't mine be used? Why were there no discussion? Where were
my fault? I simply don't understand. No one wants to help me to come out
with the Immobilizer. No one wants to get involved. Everyone is doing their
own things and I mean very OWN things that served OWN interest. There's no
spirit of cooperation, no spirit of discussion.

I have my own fault and failure, I will have to admit. For more than 6
months, I have been 'designing' Immobilizer II. What took me so long? And
the end product is imcomplete up till now. I analyse for quite some time and
identify the main culprit. This culprit is inside my very own mind. I wanted
to do things perfect but lack the experience. I am helpless most of the time
and the prospect that the product will be installed to a car frightened me
so much. The possibility that people lives will be lost and the
responsibility will be borne by me Alone is very depressing. Constantly
during the development process, I received no help, or vague help from
others. The self prepared schedule was not followed. There are numerous
times that I just stop doing anything, just because i am unsure of myself,
unsure of the decision made, afraid of the brushing off by K and unsure of
the next step. I am constantly struggling inside, WHAT ARE THE NEXT STEP???
WHAT SHOULD I DO AFTER THIS? AM I SPENDING TOO MUCH UNNECCESARY TIME FOR
THIS STAGE????
 No advice is available for me, no one is there to make sure i keep to my
schedule, no one is concern at all if the Immobilizer is completed in time
or not. As for myself, I sink into depression quite often, and instead of
moving on, I stop and surf and read everything under the NET, news, stories,
health product. I give myself excuses, I procrastinate. I started to hate
everyone in the office, I hate P for his attitude of constantly protecting
himself, of not being open, I hate K for constantly doing private project
and discussing it openly with P, all these while I am struggling to decide
whether to add another diode to the board!!! I hate them because they are
the very people that are capable to helping and making a difference but did
not. Needless to say, my R&D manager, has never been concern with the whole
company. All he does is making calls to numerous people and students, some
to argue over late rental payments ( i am wondering how many houses he
owns ) and some to arrange for tuition time. His time is preoccupied in
increasing his personal wealth, and making sure that every cents that goes
out of his pocket is worth the value. He never bothers on what we are doing
and in fact he know NUTs about electronic. He protocopy his tuition workbook
while we had our lunch, ( he eats gardenia for lunch ) and duplicates lots
of pirated VCD borrowed from frens. ( just to save that few dollar and fyi,
it cost just USD1.50 for the latest block buster ). He even took the trouble
to protocopy the cd cover and cut it nicely...

Personally, I feel very sour about all these, I feel underutilised and I
feel guilty accepting the salary for nothing done. I know i am not lazy and
I know i am capable of doing things. I know, my limit is more than this. I
know....i  just need some help, some  guidance and assurance, after all, i
am still a rookie engineer, i have my own mental obstacles, i have my own
self doubt. God, help me.




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