Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA--Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be
among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers
Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal
levels.

      Among the most striking increases were a +2 raise in dexterity to
18, and an overwhelming
charisma increase to an above-human score of 20, placing Gates in the
realm of deities and demigods.

      "I am pleased to announce that I have boosted my already
impressive statistics," Gates said in a statement to shareholders
Monday. "As we develop the technological framework that
will dominate the 21st century, these augmentations--and others to
follow--will be powerful wards against competition from the likes of
Netscape, Oracle and Melkor who is named Morgoth."

      "Microsoft is the software-industry leader today, and tomorrow it
will also dominate the realm of information access, as well as the
content being accessed," Gates said. "The continued
growth of our Corbis Media archive, the successful development and
launch of MSNBC, and my
mastery of the shield spells of the Elven King Lagolin are only the
beginning for Microsoft."

      Gates, who raised his intelligence to 20 in 1990, is fast becoming
the most powerful CEO in
American media. Experts place him above Fox's Rupert Murdoch and
Disney's Michael Eisner, both of whom hold over 1.2 million hit points.
Gates is also rumored to be in possession of a bag of holding containing
one terabyte of information, as well as over 100 billion gold and silver
pieces.

      Analysts see Monday's statistical boost as extremely beneficial to
Gates in an increasingly competitive marketplace.

      "This is a very shrewd move on Gates' part," PC Magazine columnist
John C. Dvorak said. "His vastly increased charisma--the prime stat of a
chaotic evil executive--will help him tremendously in his ongoing
struggle to convince skeptical Microsoft stockholders that his ventures
into television and his massive content-buying spree will pay off in the
long run. The extra CHR will also assist him greatly in dealing with
wary CEOs of companies he wishes
to invest in and cast spells over, like Comcast."

      "It hardly seems fair, but he will now be capable of
near-invisibility in behind-the-scenes business dealings," Dvorak added,
referring to the stealth augment which comes with a dexterity gain. "And
at the same time, he'll wear Mordekainen's Spectacles of True Sight,
which provide +6 insight gains into long-term Windows marketing
strategies."

      While few question the wisdom behind Gates' stat increases, there
remains a possibility that the Federal Trade Commission, which in 1996
ruled his licensing agreement with computer manufacturers to be in
violation of anti-trust laws, will challenge the move. Even if the FTC
rules against Gates, however, industry analysts believe that he should
easily recover, thanks to his
above-average 15 constitution.

      Gates' rivals expressed frustration over his ability to achieve
invulnerability in a supposedly competitive market. "Combining this
augmentation with last month's purchase of the Polo Shirt of
Thalkettoth, which grants a +5 saving throw against anti-trust
litigation, Gates should now be seen as operating outside the law,"
Apple CEO Dr. Gilbert Amelio said Tuesday. "One more
sorcerous potion of Gain Market Share, and we might as well declare
bankruptcy."

      "Anyone can be a Santa Claus DM and give out unearned stats,"
Oracle president Larry Ellison said. "I'm surprised he didn't just go
ahead and give himself a 20 in everything."

      With overpowering statistics in all six ability categories, with
the exception of strength, Gates is widely considered to be primed for
the Kingship.

      "Certainly his campaign could be crushed if he made a mistake,"
ABC computer correspondent Geena Smith said. "But let's be realistic.
He's got 40 million experience points dating back to when he dropped out
of Harvard. His party has done nothing but kill and acquire for 22
years. He knows when to cast versus when to hack-and-slash.  He will be
the emperor lich of 21st century media."