WomenCum2.com

Dealing with the Past

You are not your past, and it is not you.
Sexual abuse is not sex, and joyful sexuality is not abusive.
You can enjoy sex, and be safe!

  

The commonly accepted figures for sexual assault are around 1 in 4 or 25% of women having been assaulted at sometime in thier lives. Our experience has been that more than half of the women we have known were raped, molested or sexually abused.

the WC2 Team

 

 

Survivors of Sexual Abuse

A sexual assault violates one’s most intimate and personal boundaries and triggers a wide range of issues that survivors must confront, on some level, for the rest of their lives. One of the most difficult issues facing survivors of sexual assault is the realization of their vulnerability and powerlessness to protect themselves from such an intimate invasion.

This issue of powerlessness is perhaps most profound for the child victim. Sexual abuse, especially during the developmental stages of childhood, can have devastating and long-lasting effects on the child’s growth physically, emotionally, and mentally. Issues concerning trust, self-esteem, and forgiveness can run quite deep and present significant challenges into adulthood. For a young adult or for an adult who has trusted another in a full and child-like way, sexual abuse can be just as damaging.

If your perpetrator was someone you knew and trusted the effects may be particularly painful. The fact that someone who was supposed to love and protect you caused the violation can be quite frightening.

The powerlessness and shame can sometimes be too difficult to bear. Consequently, some, especially children, may successfully bury the memory of the assault until something happens to trigger that memory.

As A Survivor Of Childhood Sexual Assault You May Experience...

Difficulty Setting Limits and Boundaries

Past experiences may have given you little hope of having control over what happens to you. However, it is important that you understand that you are no longer powerless to stop the abuse that was perpetrated on you. You have grown and learned, and can continue to learn how to protect yourself and seek justice. You have more power now, but more importantly you have the right to control what happens to you and to choose your sexual partners.

Memories and Flashbacks

You may experience disruptive memories surrounding the assault. A sudden occurrence of a visual memory is called a flashback. If you have a flashback you may not only “see” what happened but also experience all of the emotions and feelings that you had at the time of the assault. A flashback can be very frightening and even trigger a panic response. Sounds, smells, people, and places associated with the assault can trigger memories and flashbacks. Remind yourself that these are only memories. You are safe now and have the power to choose if and when you wish to review these memories. When you begin to recognize your personal empowerment these memories will lose their power. You can control the triggers of negative memories by creating new and happy memories to replace them.

Grieving and Mourning

Victims of sexual abuse experience many losses. There is a loss of innocence, loss of a carefree life, loss of security and trust to name a few. There may have been the loss of a normal relationship with parental figures, loss of the opportunity to choose your own sexual experiences and partner, and loss of nurturement. All losses need to be mourned in order to bring the grieving to closure. It is time to name your losses, grieve over them, and put them to rest.

Anger

Although this is one of the most common issues for a survivor of sexual assault it can be one of the most difficult for the adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse to get in touch with. You have probably spent many years covering up your true emotions. You may have felt powerless to acknowledge and act on your anger and therefore learned to suppress it. The healing process necessarily involves getting in touch with your feelings of anger.

It is important to acknowledge the anger you felt and probably still feel toward the perpetrator and anyone who should have tried to protect you. You have a right to feel angry and there is nothing wrong with expressing anger in constructive ways. Unexpressed anger can lead to depression.

Guilt, Shame, and Blame

Many survivors experience feelings of guilt and shame. You may feel guilty that you did not stop the abuse. You may have been afraid to disclose what was happening for fear of not being believed. If you were abused as a child, you must remember that a child can never be responsible for being sexually assaulted. What happened was not your fault. The blame must be placed exactly where it belongs, with the perpetrator. An adult abused their position of authority and must be held accountable.

You may feel ashamed because your body responded to sexual stimulations. You must realize that while the body will respond to certain stimulations this is no indication that you liked or wanted the abuse. Further, children often seek affection from adults and accept any demonstration of affection as affirmation that they are loved. It is the responsibility of the adult to practice and teach appropriate boundaries to the child

As a young women or an adult who was over powered by an abuser, almost all of the points made here reguarding children still apply. You may feel even more guilty for not being able to stop the abuse; this does not make the abuse your fault. You can learn more ways to protect yourself and reduce the chances of being abused again, but abuse is never your fault. If your body responded to sexual stimulation, rest assured that this is a perfectly normal mechanism of defense and is not in any way an indication that you "secretly" wanted the abuse.

Trust Issues

Adults who were victimized as children may find it difficult to trust others. You may feel that if you trust and let people near, you will be vulnerable to being hurtand victimized again. This fear is understandable, especially if the person who abused you was someone who you knew and trusted. This is a normal, and healthy response, but it does not mean that you will never have close or even intimate relations with a partner.

Trust does not come automatically. It must be earned. Remember that as an adult you have the power to choose your own relationships. You may choose who you allow to be close to you. You may also choose to stop trusting that person if that trust is violated. You can reduce the need for trust in your relationships and be intimate and close with your partner while still protecting yourself.

Intimacy Issues

Survivors of sexual abuse may have difficulty establishing intimacy or a close bond with another person. Intimacy requires trust, respect, love, and sharing. These things can be frightening because of your perceived vulnerability. Or you may find that you cling too tightly to a relationship that makes you feel safe for fear of losing that person. These are difficult issues and many survivors find it helpful to talk with a counselor that can help them develop skills and find the confidence needed to engage in a healthy intimate relationship.

Sexuality Issues

Survivors of sexual abuse must deal with the difficult fact that their sexual experiences came as a result of rape or incest. Later, these painful memories may be triggered by sexual activity with your partner. This can be disappointing and frustrating since it can interfere with your ability to enjoy your sexuality and engage in consensual sexual relationships. Remember that you are now in control of your body and how you choose to experience your sexuality. You can say no or stop if you begin to feel uncomfortable. Communicate your feelings and your needs with your partner. Be clear about what you are and are notcomfortable with. However, it is important to remember that sexuality, itself, is not shameful. It can be a beautiful expression of intimacy and affection when two adults with equal power choose to share this experience.

Moving Forward

Survivors of sexual abuse often struggle with the question of forgiveness. You may have asked yourself, "Do I have to forgive the perpetrator." There is certainly no rule that you must forgive in order to heal. However, fixating on the injustice of the violation, the pain that you have endured, and fantasies of revenge can be damaging. These obsessive thoughts, left unchecked, can become very self-destructive. You may feel that you are not ready, and may never be ready, to forgive. This is fine as long as you do not allow yourself to become consumed with bitterness. This is not helpful and serves no purpose. Every victim must arrive at a place where they are able to "let it go." It may be helpful to seek professional counseling for assistance in putting these issues to rest. Most importantly, forgive yourself. What happened was not your fault.

Myths and Facts about Sexual Assault

MYTH: If you do not struggle or use physical force to resist you have not been sexually assaulted.
FACT: If you are forced to have sex without your consent, you have been assaulted whether or not a struggle was involved. Assailants may overpower their victim with the threat of violence instead of with actual violence. In cases of acquaintance rape or incest, an assailant often uses the victim's trust in assailant to isolate the victim.

MYTH: A person who has really been assaulted will be hysterical.
FACT: Survivors exhibit a spectrum of emotional responses to the assault: calm, hysteria, laughter, guilt, anger, apathy, shock. Each survivor copes with the trauma of the assault in a different way.

MYTH: Assailants are usually crazed psychopaths who do not know their victims.
FACT: As many as 80% of all assaults involve either a known acquaintance, or someone the victim has had contact with, but does not know personally.

MYTH: Many women claim they have been sexually assaulted because they want revenge upon the man they accuse.
FACT: Only 4-6% of sexual assault cases are found to be based on false accusations. This percentage of unsubstantiated cases is the same as with many other reported crimes.

MYTH: Persons who dress or act in a sexy way are asking to be sexually assaulted.
FACT: Many convicted sexual assault assailants are unable to remember what their victims looked like or were wearing.

MYTH: It is impossible to sexually assault a man.
FACT: Although the vast majority of assailants are men, other men fall victim for the same reasons as women; they are overwhelmed by threats or acts of physical and emotional violence. Most sexual assaults that involve a male victim are gang assaults, by other males.

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